The above clip is a bit silly … and totally shows my geeky side, but it is totally true. There has to be a way to release anger in a way that the person angry is not hurt and the people around are not hurt.
Releasing anger is a hard one. Admitting that it is anger you are feeling is another hard one, at least for me. I knew I was angry Sunday evening. Which is kind of crazy, since really, Sunday was a fairly good day. I took a healing class at church, I attended church and received healing. Bev was wonderful in her tenderness and in giving me a message afterwards.
After church I ate lunch with some friends at Panera’s — one of the ultimate pampering lunches for me… and then headed off to teach a Reiki I class.
The class went very well. Each student said they had a wonderful experience, and I have no doubt they will each continue on their path to healing and wellness.
Once home, however .. it was very hard to miss the reality of Dean’s absence. I was up until 2AM talking to him, letting him know just how angry I was at all of this. Anger at being left alone, angry that lung cancer has no cure, angry that I had to plan this service and hear reports about the wake being planned and really wishing we were talking about the next time we were headed out to do videos, or how we were going to get the plants taken care of before winter. Oh, and there is another thing — taking care of the plants, taking care of all the stuff that a pack-rat, technician personality has stuffed into every nook and cranny of this place. Angry that the one think I want to find, his watch and wedding band, I can’t find anywhere. What about all the plans we made? HUH? And the kids… Dean did bathtime, taught about plants and …. what do you mean you couldn’t think ahead to leave me instructions written down someplace on how to get into the computer — and which computer and harddrive have what pictures and what videos?! And someone got into the shed when we were not home … who am I supposed to go running to about that? How dare you leave me alone. Then even more irritated to realize that he has not totally left me alone — but being on two totally different planes of existence still sucks.
Yep, anger.
Then I was starting to feel guilty for telling him off before I went to sleep … then I missed him more … last night I called Karen. What a completely wonderful woman. She knows just what to say, just what to ask to bring me back into focus. Reminded me it was alright to be angry.Reminded me that she is sure he is able to take it and is understanding that I needed to vent some anger.
Of course this is something I knew anyway. Depending on what school of thought you buy into grief is either a step process with which anger is a part of, or it is a cycle and circle spinning and popping up different emotions depending an a variety of things.
Hard to remember everything you were taught in order to help others when it deals with yourself. Actually a little glad I took the time to yell at Dean before going to sleep … totally saved the children from an anger pent up mom. Even now he is helping me.
Then … I found a video. One that dissipated almost all the anger — at least for now. Cian had to of been about one and Galen two. Dean had just come home from work, and was videoing himself getting the kids into the bathtub. I noticed the terrible condition of the house first. I struggled with postpardum depression … the normal drug fixes did not work for me, giving very bad side effects. We were afraid of the suggested supplements because I nursed Cian about 18 months. Yet, he never complained if he came home and all I accomplished during the day was keeping the kids healthy and happy. He started helping right when he came in and told the kids it was “bubble time”. This particular day Galen did not want “bubble time” and cried and cried. That did not even phase him. He just kept doing and joking with Galen all through his crying and protesting. In fact, until he started getting sick he would come home form work every day and start helping with the kids. “Bubble Time” was his thing with them. Even though I could not really see him in the video it was nice to hear him with the kids, the way he really was, and not what came with the cancer.
Beautiful memories, helping dissipate anger.
We are all of us, way more than we seem on the outside. I had one person at church approach me Sunday and say she did not even know he was sick … that he never looked it. No, he did not. The video reminded me to hold on to those memories and feelings. What we had was a gift … what we each have is a gift … Life.
I was reminded that I could second guess all the steps Dean and I took forever. I could go back through and try and find the exact moment we should have known about the cancer and it still would change nothing now. There is no rewind. I can continue to be angry — or I can release it and be grateful for the time and memories I do have. I am sure I will still have spurts of anger — there is probably more I need to release now … asking Divine help in that area. Thanking the Universe for the time I did have. Counting Blessings.