Today has been a it doesn’t rain but it brings a monsoon day.

I woke up this morning — and for that brief amount of time before life comes into focus, Dean was there. The feeling was real, I went to say something — although now, for the life of me I have no idea what it was I was going to say. I think it was really just like a normal “Good Morning” or a quick run through of what the day was going to bring. I did not even remember at first that I needed to be at work by 7:30. I realized that my brain was in some type of time lapse of science fiction proportions and proceeded to just lie there in the disbelief of just about everything.

Yesterday was a tough one for the kids. Luckily I have some pretty good people that take care of them when I have to run out and be with Lloyd at a swim meet and take photos and such, for I know it was a rough one for them. I received questions like “Is Daddy going to come back in the Spring like the flowers come back after winter?” — and “Well, who is going to be our Daddy now … all my friends have one.” and upon remembering that once we had some bad raspberries in the house .. “Did Daddy get the Cancer from the bad raspberries?” oh, and my personal favorite.. “Mom, why can’t you just go shopping and find us someone else to be the Daddy if ours can’t come back.”

Innocence, longing, missing, confusion and realizing the permanence of passing from this life into the next all wrapped up in 4 and 5 year old packages.

Our newest babysitter has a unique perspective when it comes to dealing with these questions and comments and giving the boys some very individualized attention. He is a child of divorce and because of geography is away from his Dad throughout the school year. Listening to him talk to the boys about missing a Dad and how it is alright to feel that way was incredibly touching.  Also, enlightening, since like so many other people that try and change what they are talking about,  their new care taker did not waver in offering his own point of view and allowing the conversation to take place.

Helped me out as well. I was told today that it was alright to have patches of days like today — and that it was indeed early in the process. A day that brought calls from the assistance people telling me about how the final processes in getting the kids some type of medical insurance was underway and the amount of paperwork I would have to keep track of with the classes I teach and what kind of reporting I have to do now because of that coverage. Since the client base is growing I am sure I will be off that program and onto the one I really wanted in no time after a month or two of doing the required paperwork. Just one more thing. Some days I really do not want one more thing. I want to sit back and have someone just hold me while I drink a glass of wine and stare off into nothingness or a really good movie and just be …. Just be me. Days like today when I am reminded that the person that was allowing me to just be me is no longer able to do that.

There are a lot of times lately I feel like I am a mother, and a paper juggler, and a peace keeper and a photographer and healer and instructor and confidant and … well, I think we all feel this way from time to time. The trick for me today is to not stay in this mode. I did meet with a student who had as much insight for me on some things as hopefully I had for him, I managed to get a decent dinner in the oven for the kids tonight, and come face to face with what is actually going on by writing …

And once again — in song form got the extra push I needed. Came right on when I turned on the computer. Love how Spirit is able to speak to me that way — Refocus and then move on. Be me anyway. Be me in the midst of being for so many others. If I lose myself, what is the point? “Don’t Stop Believing.” (Which is the song embedded above)

Remember to be you. Don’t deny whatever it is — but don’t let it consume you.
Don’t stop believing that you are where you need to be learning what you need to learn.
Then “Hold on to that feeling” and work with it. It is one thing to feel and believe and another one to act on where Spirit is taking you. You will get there — I will get there — Be Well.

Don’t Stop Believing