Last evening while I was trying to get some computer work accomplished on photos that I have gotten WAYYYY behind on accomplishing, the little ones were playing in the livingroom. I was starting to get a little irritated by the tornado that brought toys, games, blankets, cushions and clothes all streaming and laying about a briefly clean living space.
As I was just about to “yell” when I hear Galen (5 years of age) exclaim to his little brother (only 14 months younger) “Relax! You’re gonna freak your brain out!”
I think this may become my new mantra. Add it directly after BREATHE!
It has been so very hard for me to focus the past month. In fact is was 4 weeks ago today that I found Dean on the floor after coming back from teaching QiQong class. I woke up with this on my mind. My days seem to be a weird swirl of “normalcy” punctuated with memories that cause tail spins.
Yesterday the monthly Jehovah Witness visitors came and immediately asked how Dean was doing. Then she asked if he had taken his own life…… Something I had never thought about anyone asking, but since the last time she saw him he was bopping around the garden, I guess her inquiry was legitimate.
The day before that I had my first Reiki Client in over a month. I finally feel ready to get back into my practice of healing. Her first question was again, “How is your husband.”
I did not think of it until yesterday, that I believe my response for now on will be that he is doing well in Spirit. Instead of “he has passed.”
I have heard of so many more people passing into Spirit the past few weeks. I do not know if it is the advent of Facebook notifying me of these things, or that I am just extra sensitive to that type of information now. In the past I have skirted away from any dealing with grief, people going through grief or even venturing into wakes, funeral homes, funerals … etc. I have gone when I thought it was crazily necessary in terms of social protocol, but overall my entire life has been a feat of avoidence. Now, it stares me right in the face, as it stares so many others in the face.
I LOVE that I am able to know Dean is not lost — that his soul is still part of God’s great Universe. This knowledge, I am finding, is helping me help others that are struggling with missing loved ones.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t remember the last night I did not cry myself to sleep … it is not easy at all to know that a loved one is well and in Spirit and yet not physically tangible in the here and now. That sunk in even more when I brought Dean home today. I finally made myself go and finish what I needed with the funeral home, and I brought Dean home. Eventually what is left of his earthly form will be placed where he requested … but for now …. and what a completely weird feeling that is. BUT knowing that what is sitting in the sealed container is not all that there is — that there is so much more, that there is more learning, there is time to visit and to help loved ones from the vantage point of spirit, is so much more comfort than not understanding that “death” is not really “death” at all, but a new beginning.
So, RELAX! or YOU’RE GONNA FREAK YOUR BRAIN OUT!
Things work out. Because of this experience of mine, I have been able to help people recently deal with understanding that loved ones are not really dead and gone. I remember to take things day by day. I remember to take the time to play silly music with the kids and do the hokey pokey while enticing picky eaters to try dinner, I place myself in front of the computer and work on photos and know that it is something I CAN do even without the constant feedback from my technical adviser. I keep teaching Reiki and QiQong and Meditation … I allow myself the time to get back into the groove and am forgiving of myself for falling short of practice lately. (As a side bar here, I was led to some folders I did not know were on the computer last night, they were more QiQong sets, tutorials and books that Dean had downloaded for me/us and until last night had failed to mention)
No sense in “Freaking my brain out” when as long as I am moving forward, no matter if it is a little slower now while dealing with restructuring mine and the children’s lives, it is all good. Thanking Divine for the opportunity to still grow, thanking the Universe for its patience, thanking all of you out there for your continued positive energy, prayers and thoughts and cards and books that keep coming, know that it all benefits me and aids in keeping me centered. Which keeps my children centered.
So the message for today?
Breathe in this wonderful fall sunshine.
Relax in the wonders and lessons the Universe brings.
Give thanks for friendship and love.
Listen to 5 year olds …. they are wiser than any of us give them credit for being.
Remember — All JUST FOR TODAY!
Tomorrow will take care of itself.