Today was the day I got to get poked in the arm, answer a bunch of crazy questions and pee in a cup to prove I did not have some type of life threatening illness — other than being a mortal being to begin with — so that I could purchase life insurance for myself.

Yep, nothing like taking one’s own advice.

Even though the whole process really did not bother me I am actually relieved that it is done and I do not have to be concerned with the kids not being able to handle things if I am not here– I found, however, that for some reason that whole experience set off a rather emotional roller coaster type of day for me. For no reason, seemingly whatsoever, I would be overcome with loneliness and sadness and a little anger mixed in for good measure.

I thought about this in-between seeing my own clients and taking time to have a cup of coffee with a friend today. Really, other than first thing in the morning and evening when it gets really quiet I have not had much of these emotional spells. I was rather proud of myself last night, since the light which has a dimmer switch on it beside the bed, was set to totally off last night … after over 2 months of having a night light. Galen had a nightmare about bats at 4am which caused me to not sleep the rest of the night/morning as he needed to be in my bed, anyway — but at least until then, I was doing really, really well. No night light.

So, why the incredible ups and downs for today? Seems incredibly dumb.

I did start off the day doing something I had asked Dean to do several times after Galen was born, and once he was diagnosed was too late to do. Perhaps that was all it took. That and thinking and pondering and meditating on what Rev. Natalie Christoph had to say at church on Sunday.

She talked a lot about taking the time to forgive this holiday season. That holding onto grudges, and hard feelings not just hurts the person that the hard feelings are aimed at … no matter what the reason, it hurts us as well. She expressed the need for us to sit and take some time to forgive others in our heart and then take time to forgive ourselves for expressing out those feelings to begin with.

I am no better than anyone else. There are several situations and people … especially in the last couple of years of dealing with how some others dealt with Dean’s illness that I know I was holding some very hard feelings. Including some at Dean. I have been told over and over by so many people that it is alright to be emotional and it is alright to be angry and it is alright to be whatever it is I need to be — and I guess that is true. But holding on to those feelings and not releasing them and forgiving others and myself for all that happened — well, that just does damage to myself spiritually and physically.

Every notice that when you are feeling particularly emotional about something that you tend to get some kind of illness soon afterwards? I do not need that, my kids do not need that.

So, in the midst of this day of following my own advice .. I also followed that of Rev. Natalie. Throwing Christ Light in prayers to ones that cause us the most pain either intentionally, or through their own misguidance and misunderstanding and then to myself is probably the best holiday gift I can give.

I am sure I will have these type of weepy, remembering and weird days — but I am trying. All we can ever do is our best.

May your best always be filled with love.

Be Well.

Insurance and the emotional day
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