I firmly believe it is a choice to stay upbeat or to just live in total unhappiness. That being said, some days and sometimes it is REALLY, REALLY hard to continue to do so after one barrage after another.

Earlier this week the chaplain form Hospice came to see me. I think he stops by once every 10 days or so to chat and check up on the family. That is a nice thing. This week he asked how I was REALLY doing — am I allowing the kids to talk? Is Dean being hidden? Do you have concerns about what happens after death?

Wow.

So, I told him there was no way that Dean could be hidden because every once in a while he turns the computer on to let everyone know he is around. I told him that really, Dean is better off than any of us right now and that there really isn’t any real death, just a transformation.

He gets a rather shocked look on his face and asks if he can pray for me and with me.

I tell him that would be very nice and his prayer entails parts of psalm 139.

When he is finished praying I let him know that it was the exact psalm I had sung at Dean’s service. I find it very fitting that Spirit would lead him to use that particular psalm and reinforces for me that I am being heard on a very regular basis and we will be and he is alright.

Today, I sit and try and do the cumbersome paperwork, that is almost impossible to submit online, to the state to get the kids insurance again. I finally give up and call someone on the phone that tells me that since they had insurance through CHIP before and I was lax in getting it renewed on time I would be sent a packet of other paperwork that I would have to fill out along with sending in Dean’s Death certificate to get everything back on track. Even doing that it will be another 2 months before they have insurance again. REALLY?! Can’t I just fax you the death certificate to prove I am not making any of this up and you hit a button on the computer and the insurance turns back on? No, of course not. At least I know that the insurance is in the works — and that I have to fill out more papers. This process BTW has taken a good two hours of my day.

Now comes my friend, Connie. Very sweet and wonderful and Jehovah Witness by faith. She has been coming to visit on and off for about 5 years. She and her husband would stop and chat with Dean while I was working and he was home. She lost her first husband when he was 49 to some nasty deteriorating disease, and has a unique viewpoint, that others do not seem to have when talking about our present situation. Today was the first time she asked if I had a personal relationship with God. There are enough signs in my house, I am not sure how that could even be a question, but there it was. I told her I was in fact studying to be ordained and had a pretty good relationship. Then she asked if I had any worries about where Dean may be right now.

Wow.

No, I do not have any worries. He is very fine. She tells me that only some people will come back to earth in the future. I tell her, yes, I bet that is a very personal choice. After all we have free will and once in Spirit God would not make you go back if you did not want. I tell her that there is still alot to learn once we pass and that it is still possible to help the people that choose to be on earth.

She tells me she thinks it is a shame that Adam and Eve did not “behave” so we could live forever in paradise. I tell her that I rather appreciate they realized they had free will and showed the rest of us how to use it so I could choose what to do with my life. I tell her there are more rewards in choosing to walk the path, than never knowing that there was a path to choose. (I leave out reminding here there are two creation stories and that stories like that were more metaphors to illustrate that God did indeed create EVERYTHING and not entirely literal)

We talk about the Bible and the importance of knowing the Bible stories. I do manage to tell her that since we are so many different people that the Bible can speak to us directly and for what we need at any particular time and that I do not think that it is necessary for any hierarchical organization to spell out any type of meaning for me. Sounds like a very stressed conversation, but actually, it was rather interesting. I really appreciate that she is trying to help out in the best way she knows how and she has a lot of love and life experience to share. What gets to me is that twice this week I have been directly asked about the way I am “grieving” and my understanding of where Dean is at this present time.

“We make our own happiness or unhappiness and we obey or disobey Divine’s physical and spiritual laws”

If my understanding of this principal allows me to still have a relationship with Dean, and not act all sad 24/7 I would hope that people would be happy. I believe it is still possible to function once we pass into Spirit. Given human nature, even one separated by body, one would probably be pretty bored if he could not learn, grow, help and serve God even on “the other side”.  Dean is there, my grandparents, uncle and cousin are all there. They take time to think of me, and pray for me, and even remind me of themselves from time to time. I could never believe that we have such a God filled with such abundance and love that would not allow anything but upon passing.

Still having issues here, obviously, with paperwork, and bills and managing children — but I would like to make some happiness. I cannot afford to be totally depressed each and every second. Yes, I miss him, the old him, the physical him, before he stared feeling nasty, before everything changed. That is not going to change the need for me to take care of me, keep moving, keep learning, keep working and keep taking care of the children.

So, ministers of faith, please know when you come to this house, we do not fear passing. We do not believe that there is any real death … just a chance to be with God in a bit different way than we are right now. What we don’t like is all this earthly crap associated with someone passing. THAT is what causes the grief.

Or, maybe … I need to look at it a different way. Perhaps it is all just reminders that a change has occurred in my life, and restructuring is necessary — not easy, but necessary.

Be Well!

Staying Upbeat