This song came on the Pandora Radio right as I was curling up in my bed tonight and thinking that there was no way I was every going to get back to some type of “normal.”
I spent the day today calling places I needed to let know Dean had passed to get banking and social security and bills and such in order. Crazy. There is still more to do, but at least I have forced myself to get stared.
While I was pondering earlier what else I needed to do I was led to look up on one shelf that Dean had placed a lock box. I was even led to where the key to the box was kept. In that box I found titles to the vehicles, our marriage certificate, The first cards the little boys received from my grandparents, and a cassette tape. The thing was screaming to be played. … 90 minutes of love songs. More craziness.
Today I also received emails from three of Dean’s friends telling me stories, sharing photos and warm thoughts.
I decided to take the kids to Charlie’s tonight and a friend from high school, Kara, met us there and Michael came by later. Craziness again, as I was the one that was lifting the kid to play the basketball game and such … a traditional Dean “job” was to play with the kids when we went to Charlies. I really think at one point on the pretend snow mobile game that Dean was still playing with them … since the scores were incredibly high for them to get on their own.
I have noticed the past week that priorities have definitely shifted. Even though it is incredibly touching that I have found movie tickets from the first time we took Michael and Lloyd to the movies, and concert tickets for the first concert Dean took me to 12 years ago, and a cassette tape full of love songs he obviously wanted me to play today … I have also found and will be dealing with a million other things my pack rat husband has left here. Makes me totally wonder about my own pack rat tendencies. Really … Dean’s passing is a total and ridiculous reminder that we take NOTHING but memories and feelings with us when we cross to Spirit. I know we need tools here and that a subsistance living is not what I really mean … but, I do wonder about some of the things that have been kept, and the mound of things I still need to go through. I am not sure I want anyone to have to go through all that becasue of me. Think I would rather spend money on taking my kids to places … and taking photos and video of them to be reminded of what we did and learned later than in collecting stuff. That is actually something Dean and I talked about frequently, when we decided to stay in our little house. We wanted to be able to travel with the kids. Keeping house bills low with a little house was a way to accomplish having money to travel. In fact next summer we had planned to try and take all four boys out west for some national park roaming.
Then there is the paperwork, and such…. like passwords. We had warning — and still neither one of us thought it was necessary to have the conversation about banking, and accounts, and passwords, and…and…and……Of course I know Dean never really thought he would pass until he saw some grandchildren —
I am very happy for the photos and the video — those are things that can be passed down to illustrate memories and stories for a very long time. But the rest…. I know I will be doing some purging — making sure that when I leave things are relatively easy for my children to deal with ….
As I pondered all these things today .. and dealt with having to say “my husband passed” several times today, I really, really considered running away. I considered the possibility that maybe I was not strong enough to do this and continue to take care of the children. Really where I was at when the song above came over the radio…