In the past day I have had two old friends post items that have struck at my core.
One post read “The will to win means nothing if you haven’t the will to prepare.”
The other posting was in image form:
The first one speaks of goals. Goals can be either external ones for ourselves or more internal goals. In a lot of ways it is exactly what a lot of people are doing this time of year. There are people that have goals/resolutions of things that they would like to accomplish. Most of these things deal with getting out of debt, or being able to run a particular race, or getting in shape, or remembering to be nicer … whatever it is, it is usually a noteworthy pursuit. In order to “win” to get to that goal one must do the ground work. One must be willing to go out of ones comfort zone sometimes into new realms and new adventures and new learning experiences in order to “prepare” to reach ones goal.
Soon after I saw this posting I received a message from another old friend who actually Posted the second quote about the warrior. Our conversation started with him simply stating that he knew I had been cleaning and finding all kind of memories and that he also remembered what time of year it was and hoped that I was finding a measure of wellness in the ultimate sea of emotions that he knew must be there. In the midst of the messages that followed he expressed that I did not need to feel in adequate for struggling the past few weeks — that he believed that it may be the fact that I am struggling and have a perspective in that way that allows me to continue to help others with their own healing, goals, and life issues. Honestly, I was feeling less than worthy to keep helping people with Reiki, and QiQong and the people that come to me for spiritual guidance and life coaching. I thought about that a lot with the clients I had this past week. I wondered how it is I even dared to think I had anything to offer to them and help them when I was indeed broken in a lot of ways myself.
I have goals … places that I wish to win this next few months and year. (I am taking the step and opening a QiQong and Reiki Studio, I am half way through a weight loss goal, I am signed up and will be running a 5K in May, I am starting to take photos again, my ministry studies continue and I make time each and every day to be sure I have some time that is totally children oriented). I also am not a perfect human in any way. I struggle each and every day with the ever changing ways the kids are showing their grief and insecurities in their daddy passing. I struggle with my own grief. I don’t say much — and I have not posted near as much as what I was over the holidays … because I knew that struggle would be all over the writings. Indeed there were good times … hard for their not to be with kids at the holidays and snow with snow activities and being around people that you do not get to be around much any other time of the year …. and yet all of those happy times sometimes makes one feel melancholy for more and for things that are just not there any more. I really appreciated the friendly understanding that it is alright to struggle, and it is alright if others know some of the struggle … for we all struggle.
For me I think it was New Year’s that was the hardest. Dean and I often looked to New Years as a type of anniversary time. One of our first date weekends was a New Year’s party. Our special wine for New Years a Moscatto di Asti that we first had at a special dinner date …. I had a bottle of that wine in the house over the holidays. All the things that you remember while at the same time trying to make new memories and not be so wrapped up in the past that you forget to live for the present.
Even when feeling broken, we are capable of so much and are able to give so much.
Remembering where to center, when to breathe, when to allow conversation and support from others. Remembering to take care of yourself — everything else will come to fall in line when we do. The will to prepare …. prepare ourselves…to achieve all we can … and the willingness to use our pain and struggle to learn and grow .. bettering ourselves and then sharing what we learned to help others.
Below is a song that was actually running through my head the last two mornings I woke up. Seems to sum it all up for me really, at least lately … I put the lyrics and the link to the “official” video below. It is entitled “BROKEN”
“Broken”
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’re gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
[X2]
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’re gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore