And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues 
The service on Sunday was really amazing. There was standing room only at the church. Then I got messages from a lot of people saying that they were unable to make it to the service but really wanted to be there. Which means there were tons more that had us all in mind on Sunday. The whole time people were streaming in I would have rather been in a very deep hole — I know Dean was there, smiling and giving extra strength. 
The wake was also amazing. I have never seen so much food for one event. Many people took the time to fill out little memory cards of Dean stories so that I could save them for the children. There were many more that stopped me to tell me their Dean story personally. There were people that Dean worked with and went to school with and grew up with that I had never met and many friends and family that I had not connected with in a long time. It was really, just overwhelming.
I need to find a way to convey to EVERYONE just how touched and how completely honored I am that our family has been so prayed for and taken care of at this time. People from CompuCom and GE, people from St. Peter’s, St. George, McLane Church, Glunt Funeral Home, The First Spiritualist Church of Erie, Our Lady of the Lake Church, Edinboro United Methodist Church, Edinboro Episcopalian Church, The General McLane Band Boosters, The General McLane Volley Ball Boosters, The General McLane Cross Country Teams, The General McLane Soccer Teams, The General McLane Swimming and Diving Team, The entire General McLane School District, The County YMCA Blue Dolphins Team, Nick’s Place, the Edinboro Fire Department Auxiliary, Mercyhurst University, Edinboro University Music Fraternity, Eclectic Etceteras Coffee House, Growing and Learning Center … and many, many more individuals, friends, family and even people I have never, ever met. I would start listing individuals, but my fear is that I would forget someone … Each and everyone of you are thanked in prayers and I am sure that Divine is smiling on all the willingness to help one family going through crisis. For the past two years this huge group of people have kept the family going, and made sure that the Universe’s final decision on Dean’s fight against cancer did not dampen the support we have received in our healing process. 

Knowing and experiencing and living on the thoughts and prayers and such — helps fight the blues. 

The most frequently asked question is “How are you doing?” — This is a total switch, since I have been used to answering, “How is Dean doing?” My staged response is “OK.” For the most part I think that is true. When I keep going, it is “OK”.

The silences in the night, the immediate waking of the day — the times I am completely alone — those are the not “OK” times. 

I managed to get into Dean’s email accounts. He had stored emails since 2001. I read emails to friends he had written about our family, the milestones of Michael’s graduation, Galen and Cian’s birth, our wedding, going to concerts and meets for Michael and Lloyd. I read about his pride in the family, his concern over my postpartum depression, his “sentimental” emails that I had kind of forgotten about. Everything saved. I am glad to have them. I am glad to remember what we had before the cancer started to take over his personality. Makes it hard not to be angry at the universe that it was taken away with cancer. 

I speak tonight at Edinboro Potterfest about the benefits of Reiki and Spirit Healing. Of course I cant talk about those things without also talking about QiQong and the Divine. Such a different perspective than the last lecture I did during the summer months. This time I am in the middle of healing myself, and not just helping my husband heal. He has had the ultimate healing. And I know before he left we healed a lot between ourselves in a very Spiritual way. I know it was the growth in both of us from healing training to Spiritual growth and faith in Divine that allowed that. Between that experience and the experience of so very many helping us, I know it is the path to help others … and this lecture seems the jumping point for that new life of service. 

Best tribute to Dean’s life here that I am able to do — share what we learned together on this journey — praying every day that in doing so the blues diminish a little, although I can’t imagine missing him any less.
Fighting Blues