There is very little light in the living-room this evening. The computer screen is really the most illuminating. I tend to turn the lights down low when trying to get the kids into bed, I think it helps them realize that it is indeed bedtime. Of course, sometimes even that, bedtime stories, music and tucking in prayers just are not enough to entice them to sleep.

I received a call tonight from one of Dean’s work buddies. I had asked a couple of his friends to do readings and a couple more to do a toast/prayer/memory — something to start us off before dinner at the wake. I seemed to get the same type of response from each of them (well, except one) — that being in front of people especially considering the circumstances is a hard thing. Tonight we joked that it was definitely an technician/computer geek personality issue since Dean was very similar 🙂

I was also told about how he and some of the people Dean worked with are dealing with his Crossing. Some are taking a drive to clear their head, some spend some time in the evenings thinking and wondering. Dean’s friends in Columbus had a little neighborhood fire/cookout with which to swap stories and reminisce.  It all sounds so completely wonderful. I am very glad people have fond and happy memories to share and a way to deal with this loss.

While talking on the phone tonight the kids are always attracted to me. It is at the precise moment they are thirsty, or someone is picking on them, or total chaos erupts. Tonight was no different. Tonight, they got out of bed and started right away wrestling on the floor as I tried to converse. The conversation soon ended and I redirected the kids back to bed. The whole time with very little light in the house, save the computer screen and the night lights we always keep glowing. As I came down the hallway and back into the living-room the computer screen was glowing in just the right way to catch a mark on the living-room window.

Dean’s hand print.

The only thing I can think of is that when he was falling he stuck out his hand and it slammed into the window, causing a very visible hand print. One I had not seen to that very moment. My mind instantly did something akin to the new Sherlock Holmes movies in the scenes that Holmes figures out what happened or is determining what will happen.

All the sudden something I would any other time grab a cloth and wipe clean has incredible meaning and significance. Once again my evening has turned into me being paralyzed by memories and incredible sense of loneliness.

I have been avoiding large groups of people. I really don’t know why. All I can describe it as is an overwhelming fear of being totally exposed and vulnerable. I know it is not rational. But it is there.  I have allowed myself to do a great bit of nothing all week. That is coming to an end tomorrow. I will be joining the ranks of chaperones for the marching band in a local parade. I will be the proud mom taking photos of her son playing snare drum in the parade. It will be crowded. Time to dive back into life.

I am sure there will be many more things like a random hand-print on the window to cause me to want to crawl into my safe zone. I really appreciated the call from Dean’s co-worker tonight sharing with me that he also needed to find a safe zone to deal with all his feelings. Makes me feel so much less alone in trying to figure this all out and a bit warm to know that Dean touched so many in a positive way.

There is one other thing that hit me lately. I was searching for just the right music to play at Dean’s memorial service. Michael’s friend Will has agreed to be the soloist at the service and I needed to send him what I had in mind. The song below made itself known. I even sent it to Rev. Natalie, who said it was very perfect. Don’t I know it is. ….. I decided that it is way to emotional for me to play at the service. I know that is already going to be a hard hour. I will share it with you all here. It just is screaming to be shared in some way. When Dean and I first started dating he would drive in from Columbus, we would sit on the couch with a glass of wine that he made and listen to this album. He would sing this song to me. It is the only song he ever sung directly to me. This was his home. Now I can hear him singing it again … for his new home.

All these little things …. crazy little things …. never discount the little things. I am finding more and more that they are worth way more than the grand gestures any day of the week. A simple hug, a simple phone call, the willingness to drop everything and drive to a friends house when needed, finding a hand-print, remembering a song…. whatever the little things are in your life … hold on tight, really, I think the feelings we have from those are all we get to carry with us into the next life. The willingness to share those feelings with others and for others .. to be the little things for other people and keep the circle going is everything. This makes the memories and the feelings from the little things more valuable than the most precious of medals.

As a footnote to this post. Two friends came over right as I was finishing writing and stayed to chat until after Lloyd made it home. An incredible blessing and an incredible gift. Do yourselves a favor this week and give yourself time to just chat with another. No TV, No stereo, No internet…just talking and connecting and sharing. 
Share …Just for Today
BE …Just for Today
Connect …Just for Today
Love … Just for Today

Handprint