OK — I should totally be sleeping — and I am sure there will be at least 10 people that immediately text me after this is posted to remind me that I need to take care of me … I totally will. I promise to get at least 2 hours of total rest time immediately after posting. But I know, I seem to do better with everything lately when I can write …..

Yesterday Dean woke up and was not himself at all. He has been slow in the mornings, but he was crazy slow and I needed to help get him dressed. His speech was a bit slurred and he told me that he really, really did not feel well.

The nurse from Hospice came and evaluated him. We talked about how he had made himself and me dinner the night before and now he could not get himself dressed. His vitals were fairly good and she ordered things like a walker for him and a bedside commode. I had a QiQong class to teach yesterday morning and asked if it would be alright if I left him — she said he would be fine while I taught the class.

A couple of hours later I got home to find Dean on the floor. He looked up at me with a bit of a shocked and sorry at the same time look on his face (I could practically hear him in my head saying “What the Fuck just happened?”). After a couple attempts to get him to get back into the chair I decided the best course of action was to sit with him and start making phone calls for help. I called Hospice first, the chaplain for hospice was at my door no more than 10 minutes after by sheer coincidence and my sister-in-law was home and came down to help get him back into his recliner.

The nurse came soon after and did her assessment …… Stroke. Bleeding from the cancer in his brain? Blood clot that broke loose? God knows. Does not matter …. results are the same. Paralyzed on right side. No more talking. Looks at me from time to time and reaches out with his left hand for me to grab so he knows I am still there. I know he is still hearing everything. Sometimes a little grin crosses his face or his breathing changes when he is listening.

Hospice helped arrange him being placed at the Cambridge Springs Rehabilitation and Nursing Center. We got there sometime around 7 last night. Lloyd was here to say goodbye to him as he was placed in the ambulance. The little ones are having sleep over with grandma, and Michael is being very stoic and brave. His mother is there with him now while I came home for a little bit.

Becky came over last night while we were waiting on the ambulance. Brought me garbaged up coffee and stayed until Michael came….She made a stressful situation calm, reminded me it was alright to cry, was just there and I will ever be grateful.

Dean was mostly peaceful last night. I managed to get into his bed with him for a few hours. He grabbed my hand… don’t know if I was comforting him or he was comforting me.

I love all the texts and emails and facebook postings and such rolling in. I read them all, please forgive me if I respond to none right now. I will go and rest now .. although I honestly dont expect to sleep. I took a shower and fixed my hair and put on clothes that Dean likes me in to go back. I don’t want him looking over and finding frumpy sitting next to him .. and if he is to go Home soon (like some of the nurses are telling me), I should be dressed for his special occasion. His pain and grief soon to be gone — and he will be back to check on me often I am sure, once he relishes a while in the Light of Creation.

The Second the Earth Stood Still