The truth

I heard something today. It made me cry. I was told by someone that they wanted me to know that someone else had been talking about me. The way in which I am raising my family was in question as well as the how I could justify the ministry work and extra training I had been doing for that work while I had small children at home. 

There are so many things in my life that I think would make a decent blog. Sometimes I write everything out and decide that someone around me may be hurt if those particular thoughts of mine are made public and they get send either to the computer trash bin or to a more private set of writings. I wrote a lot about this topic today trying to sort out exactly what I wanted to share.

I tell my children frequently that if they cannot find something nice to say to someone then they really need to not say anything. My six year old told me just a couple of days ago that his Grandpa (my dad) told him that his mother told him the same thing. He also told the child that people wondered why he is such a quiet person. My son thought that was very, very funny. I wonder, though, if pointing out a way that I can improve and that others can improve is really saying something bad? Is silence to spare someone’s feelings when there is a truth involved the same thing as “If you can’t say something nice don’t say it at all?”

Then I think it comes down to motivation. There have been several times in my life when I have told someone what was going on that they did not know about so that they could do something about the situation instead of getting blind sided. I know from experience that being the last to know something is sometimes the yuckiest place to be. 

All of that said, it is not the reason I cried. 

I have four boys. From two different marriages. The first one ended in divorce and the second ended with the death of my husband. Twice in my life I have been in the situation of having to care for children as a single parent. Twice there have been a crazy amount of people that wonder and question how the children and I are handling our lives. I am far from the perfect parent. I am not sure what the perfect parent is. I have made mistakes. I am sure each of my children have stories that they will tell about how I scared them in one way or another. My second born frequently reminds me of how I took him to a PG13 movie when he was 5 and how many nightmares he had after said movie.

Their influence in my life are the greatest gifts I have in this lifetime. 

Why did I cry? 

Of all the things to question in my life, my children, my family is the sensitive button.

Crazy thing is that it took me a little bit to figure that out. Was I upset at what was said? Was I upset at being told? What was I supposed to do about any of it? No, I was upset because someone else was supposing what was best for my children. Heck, honestly, what parent is totally sure what is best all the time for their own children. Most of us do the best we can with our families. 

I was upset because I sometimes feel like I am not really the best mother. My kids are not perfect at school, at least once a week they eat macaroni and cheese or spaghettios, and the house is far from perfect, and hearing that it was rumored I was a bad mom just fed into my insecurities in that area. 

I am glad I took the time to delve into what I was really feeling. Discovering my own truth is better, although sometimes a little harder, than dealing with other’s perceptions of my truth.