Tomorrow is the official send off for Dean. I think I have finally finished the slideshow — I know it is supposed to be for before the service. But, I thought it would go nicely here as well. Dean was much, much better at putting things like this together than me. He would have the pictures zooming in on a particular shot and rotating and of course there would be background music. Seems crazy to have to pick photos for this. There are so many more …. Many, many more. Then there are the sheer volume of photos that he has taken. I was having trouble finding photos of he and the older boys together as they look now. I realized that was because he was always taking photos of them and not in the picture himself. Then there are all of the high school photos —— Of course most of those probably need to be hidden until the kids are adults so they don’t get any ideas from their Daddy 🙂
Last night Lloyd was honored at the Marching Band Senior night. His Dad came to be there to honor him as well. I am glad he could be there — but the complete bag of mixed emotions to be standing there proud with your son, hearing Dean’s name announced as one of his proud parents and not have him there to walk out with us, ….. I have no words, really. I also looked out and saw three cameras and a couple of video cameras capturing the evening — none of which were Dean. Great to see so many people step up, and a hollowness all at the same time.
The past few days with the help of Nicole and then my mother my house has been slowly unburied. I had not realized how incredibly unimportant the house had become. The counter-tops in my kitchen have been found, and the laundry room really does have a floor. Thrifty Threads now has 5 bags of clothes that Dean used to wear. It is a good thing people come over and say, OK we are going to work on this now …. Gives me a bit of a focus. There are a great number of wonderful people that have said to call them if I need anything at all — problem is I really have no idea what I need. I keep waiting for this molasses brain to fully clear. I keep thinking once the service and wake are done, and people have some type of closure — that maybe by brain will fully turn back to normal.
I am scheduled to do a lecture this week for Potterfest on Reiki and Healing. I would have never thought Dean would not have been in the front row of that lecture, with video camera in hand. I know I will be thinking of him that night. It was he who encouraged me to continue healing training. I know it was that training that helped him not have to be on so many drugs for pain management. I know it was that training that calmed us both the evening he crossed into Spirit. I know with the training I will be able to help others.
In the past week I have met and heard stories of several people that are missing loved ones that have already moved on from this physical world. In a couple of cases their pain was still very real and palpable, even after years. There are others facing life threatening illnesses and others that are faced with the mortality of this world by being caregivers. The stories keep coming. No one’s experience is exactly the same. I know, however, that with the healing gifts I have, and the experiences I have had with Dean — that his legacy will be in allowing his story and the support he gave me to help others.
Cian (the 3 year old) asked me the other night as I rocked him if I was sad because I was missing Daddy. I told him that I was. He told me that Daddy was all better now.
Sometimes healing is not always what we envision. Sometimes we do not understand all the gifts we have been given until much later in reflection and meditation. Dean told me he had to go to Mexico, that he had to do it on his own to give me and the kids a chance at a normal life. I did not understand until Cian, so calmly told me that Daddy was all better now. In a strange sort of way Dean trained the kids to be ok without him with that trip. I guess he trained all of us.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard one for me. How much more of an official goodbye is there than a memorial service and a wake? I know it is only “until we meet again” — and I know he is already checking on us frequently. I know he will be more present to help me help others than he could of staying here in the physical realm. I know one life is a training ground and soul growth for the next and yet, it is hard not to wish there would have been more time here and now — and hoping that I learned what I needed to from all of this so, maybe he can be proud of us now.