Seems the past few weeks is a never ending learning process.
Thank goodness for old friends that are willing to listen. And say the most appropriate things….
I wont get the quote exactly right but it went something like:
For the past few weeks you have been concentrating on all the good times, and remembering them to get by. Now you are finding things that maybe you don’t like so much — remembering things that were not really all that great. Eventually they will merge into a set of truer memories for you to keep.
I took another leap this week and signed the kids up for more schooling so that I would have more hours in the week to take clients and offer classes to bring in a bit more money. As soon as I talked to the preschool/day care I received a client for Tuesday and and two clients for Thursday. So, I know God is looking after me and giving me what I need when I do what I am supposed to and trust.
My appointment for today is not for a little while yet, so I took the time this morning to first take the little ones to Giant Eagle to get a snack for the birthday boy, Cian to take to school. This milestone in his birth has been giving me an emotional upheaval ever since we had his cake on Sunday. A four year old having a birthday cake without a Daddy …..Bless both of them, they don’t look at life that way at all and it was a very happy occasion for him.
After the kids were safely at school with birthday snacks I took to the tasks of canceling Dean’s cell phone service and trying to find as many accounts as he had online to delete …emails, facebook, ebay, paypal. Some I had to call on the phone — some I could do online, some are requiring proof in the way of the death certificate, some like the insurance told me I no longer qualified for the being married discounts available so my rates would be higher…. yeah. I even made arrangements to donate the lazy-boy recliner that showed up here while Dean needed such a piece of furniture during radiation and chemo. He had his stroke in that chair. It saw the beginning and the end of his diagnosis. It drives me crazy looking at it everyday and today, it will do some good for charity.
In the middle of doing all of this stuff I found myself getting angry, and sad, and lonely and just emotional that I had to tie up all these loose ends. I found things on the ebay account that had been sold that I did not know he was selling. Then I found out that money had been used to buy unapproved drugs .. the same ones that helped his system get out of whack faster. I kept thinking that there needs to be some type of manual saying everything that should be written down as a just in case so that people still left here dont have to try and figure it out, and that there are instructions and passwords, and wishes, and a letter telling me everything that was done that I had no idea that had been done. I decided that if he was standing in front of me that I would probably kill him. Yeah — irrational.
So, I know this has been advice on more than one occasion the past few weeks — but PLEASE think about your loved ones. Leave an envelope with account numbers and passwords. Do something like a letter letting them know how much you love and appreciate them and how much you will appreciate that they are strong enough to handle all of the loose ends of their earthly life. Take care that you do not live beyond your means so that others will have to pay for what you did not after you are no longer here. If you do, then have an insurance policy that will take care of that kind of expenses. Remember that you are not really “dying” but moving on — you will be living in Spirit after you leave here but the people left here still have more learning and growing before joining you, and it will be better if there is less for loved ones to go through while still here.
I listen to people when I work now, I help with healing, part of healing is listening. Part of healing is not being judgmental, but listening enough to form the correct words. I am honored to be able to do that for people … and humbled that a friend was able to do that for me.
Thanks, Doug.
As an aside — there have been two groups that have contacted me today about Christmas for my kids. Wow. In the middle of such a day in which emotions were at its rawest, signs that we are loved and cared for even when we are having emotional days. Overwhelmed with gratitude.