Broken

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

I never actually understood the word heartache before until right now. Your heart actually does physically hurt. All day long I really tried … tried for it not to hurt. I woke up this morning that way … tried to go to the bagel shop since I was invited by some old MOPS friends. I got there, got the kids a bagel and then managed to spill my coffee all over Galen. Once we determined that I had not burned him,I took the kids home to watch TV while I curled up on the couch. 

Miss Dawn came soon after — gave me a photo in the shape of a cross with which she had photos from flowers in the garden. Carrie came after that … talked for a long while, then Kim, Cynthia for a brief time and then Kara. I guess it is nicer to have people over than I thought that it would. I like the way it worked out that they were all kind of overlapping or back to back. Kept me going all day … even though we all did not do much other than visit. Amazing really, having people come over and just sit and expect nothing than to just be around and visit has been a total and complete blessing. Makes me feel less alone.

Kept me going even through the phone call I received from a person that mentioned that it had been a long time since he was sick so I must have been ready and that the viewing and such must be over so she wondered if I was doing again. Wow. I know she did not mean anything. I know it is just the frame of reference she is working from. I know nothing she said at all was meant to hurt. I know it is my choice how I react to things — and yet…I felt like I got stabbed and I am having a hard time pulling out the knife.

Yes, Dean was sick for a very long time. Yes, we both struggled with the illness since it changed so many things and sometimes he was not himself, and I am sure I was sometimes not really myself. But, really … He knew me … he knew me better than I think I know myself — there is NO WAY I could have handled all the stuff people normally do right after — all the showings, and the immediacy. The more the days go on .. I understand now that his requests were more for me than maybe for him. I think he knew I would have to have time to process and hide for a while. I don’t care how long someone knows that eventually they are going to have to say “Until we meet again” it is hard to do so when it is time. To have someone think that since he was sick for so long and that we had some type of warning — and that the obligitory number of days the industrialized world gives you to be able to function again has passed that I am ready ——- I am so not ready.

Of course, two days ago, I probably would have told anyone that I was totally fine and ready. Today, I woke up knowing full well that I was not. I know Dean is good. I know he is no longer hurting. I know I will see him again. (Cian told me today that since daddy was in Spirit now he would be able to visit soon) All that knowing does not change that He is no longer here watching obnoxious TV, or that he is no longer here to go and get a cup of coffee for in the morning, and he is no longer here to make sure the bed is warm. For once October hit, he always told me that was his main job in the evenings. 

Faced with someone in the future that I know may be going through something similar or even ridiculously unsimilar. I really, really hope I do not underestimate her personal trauma with my own limited perception of the reality of her world. 

Sending Love to all those who are struggling in any way no matter how big or small the rest of the world may see their struggles. Sending Light to the rest that words may be chosen out of love and understanding always and that it may be possible for each of us to understand that we dont understand.