Yesterday was a better day. I taught my QiQong class at the college. Felt good to be teaching and helping people feel well again. I need to keep remembering to practice what I preach. I know one feels better when QiQong is done, I know life is more in focus when meditation is included in the daily routine. I have totally not done any of it in a week.
I went to Spirit circle last night. I must admit that I felt very, very heavy there. There was much concern from my group that I was too tired — I am sure they are right. Just the emotional toll alone is causing such exhaustion, it is hard to describe. It is hard to just sit, however when there is a 5 and 3 year old in the house that insist that is is “wake up time” and that I need to spend the day with them.
After a very slow start to the day, and a visit from my dad who brought over the obituary clipping from my grandfather that was in the paper and a photo of him that was taken at Christmas time, the little ones and I ventured to the park. We ended up sitting a considerable amount of time in the spot that was most loved by them and their daddy, watching fish and throwing rocks.
When I took this particular photo Dean was teaching the kids about baby catfish and snails.
While we were there I took some time to call Dean’s mother and let her know that I found the pictures in an external hard drive that she was looking for from her and Dean’s trip to Mexico. I know Dean must have helped me even find the photos … he has so many hard drives and such, … Anyway, it was a hard call to make. Heart pounding and I walked and talked. As I hung up the phone and continued to walk around with the Cian on one side of me and Galen ahead riding his bike it suddenly got a TON darker than it was just a second ago. All three of us looked up and both boys remarked on the very big cloud that had taken over the sun. I looked up and clear as 20/20 vision was a cloud in the shape of a toad. — For anyone that does not know, Dean was kind of a Pied Piper of toads. He would collect them on warm rainy evenings, he would keep them as pets in the house in the winter and in a toad cage outside in nicer weather. He would even give them antibiotics when they were sick…..
Every single time it seems I am falling into the incredible abyss of sorrow and grief there is some type of signal reminding me he is not lost.
The video above popped up on the computer last night as I was searching for music. About 8 years ago Dean and I split for a time. We joked that it was a deciding time. Some girls get make up flowers, or make up jewelry — I received make up concerts. First David Bowie and then Duran Duran. Sunrise, the video above was the title track of the tour in 2004. “Reach up for the Sunrise” — Trying, trying, trying to do so.
The mountain of cards on my desk, the explosion of intentions on my Facebook page, the gifts of food and companionship, and my anonymous helpers all help to serve as reminders that the kids and I are not alone. Last week at this very time I was holding Dean one last time — tonight I watch my two youngest watch “A Bug’s Life”. A movie with the moral of becoming more than you ever thought you could be … even against unspeakable odds. All one needs is to believe in yourself, do the necessary work and trust.
Dean,
I know you are there. You keep sending me enough reminders. I need you to be patient with me. It is such a crazy and hard transition to feel you are here and not be able to really FEEL you. The kids and I went to the park and played play-doh in the garden today. Two of your favorite places to be. The little ones each took turns taking pictures earlier today. I guess we both gave them the picture bug. I put them for you below. I am sure you know the kids are fine… all of them. They seem to be taking this all in stride. They ask questions every day, some are hard to answer. I am going to need you to help me with the right words. The older two keep finding pictures you had tucked away of all of them wherever you worked and in your car. Again, your actions speaking much louder than your words could. I am sure you helped them find those pictures, allowing them to know how you felt for them as well. Even with all of that …. Well, I need time. You completed me more than I realized. Sending you love. Catch it and keep it warm until it is time for me to see you again.
Jenn
